Guest Post
The morning my son was born, I became someone new, while remaining ever the same.
We could not come to an agreement about keeping our son – our first son – intact.
Just like his big sister, he was over a week late – my babies love to stay put, stubborn and strong-willed like their mama. The evening prior when the contractions crept up, my mother and I walked the neighborhood in slow motion, not really talking, just breathing.
The tension had built between me and my husband. I was spending less time with him, because any time together resulted in my tears and his frustration. We could not come to an agreement about keeping our son – our first son – intact. A time that should have been exciting was spent at odds with the man I called my other half, my best friend.
How could he not see the anguish he was causing? How could he be so determined to do this one thing that would rip my very heart out of my chest? Did he have no regard for the consequences or the damage this was doing to our relationship? Why didn’t I think to talk about this before we got married? Would I even be with him now if I had known? The questions became an obsession, swirling around between my ears all day. And this only made my anger fester. The anger just hovered in the air, in the space between our pillows, choking out any bliss I wanted to dream up by imagining my sweet baby’s face – covering up the deep hurt I felt on behalf of my son.
We had attended a hospital tour of the midwifery center where I was registered to deliver my boy. As the midwives briefly addressed the topic of circumcision, I held my breath and silently prayed my husband wouldn’t embarrass me and ask a question in front of the 20 couples there.
He didn’t.
But I could feel him uneasily shifting around in his seat. At the elevator, he offered a compromise: “I think since we can’t agree right now, it’s better to not circumcise him because it can’t be undone later.” I almost fainted but casually replied “yeah, that’s a good idea,” keeping my poker face. The instant wave of relief washed over me and I took a long overdue deep breath. The weeks of pregnancy rolled on; I tirelessly cared for my ever-growing toddler, every day thanking God for my two miracle babies. Until one day in my 39th week.
The circumcision argument resurfaced.
But this time, surprisingly, my darling soul mate was actually on my side. My husband and I were thrust into a position of defending our collective choice to not circumcise our baby to his family. This made my husband start doubting his decision. He sought outside counsel because he didn’t agree with the sources and articles I had sent him. He still believed this was what God commanded him to do as a Christian father. Yet I cried every night and begged God to change my baby into a girl to avoid this burden that was creating irreparable division in my marriage. If God told him to circumcise our son, why didn’t he tell me too?
I looked at my beautiful blonde-haired blue-eyed daughter and wondered why she got to keep her foreskin intact, why no harm had ever come to her by my hand or any doctor’s hand; and yet because my son was ill-fated to own a sexual organ that America deems unnecessary and even unsightly, he should be subject to a harmful cosmetic surgery in the name of sacrifice to God? This just couldn’t be. I kept begging God to take this heavy burden from me, as I was now 40 weeks pregnant and emotionally wrecked.
My mother was there to calm me and prepared a warm rice sack for my lower back the morning I went into labor. I was 8 days past my due date, my body so stressed and instinctively keeping my son tucked up and away from harm. I wanted nothing more than to meet my son, yet I desperately wanted to keep him inside to protect him and his body forever. I worked it all out in my head, despite the verses my husband kept reciting to validate his gross, antiquated theology: God does not make mistakes. Every inch of this tiny body, He designed flawlessly and creatively. Who have we become, that we should decide what is beautiful or ugly, decide what we should do away with or enhance? I knew my son was perfect, every part of him intentionally crafted and useful. I resolved that no one was going to put a knife to him. Even if I lost my husband because of my choice.
Once this was settled, I was ready to labor.
Every surge of pain as I bent over the couch, I connected with my son and reassured him –
it is well, son.
Every weighted breath I gathered and gave I softly sang –
Mama is here, baby. Come down to me.
There on my knees, a familiar pose for the last trimester, pleading with God to make a way, I whispered now to my unborn –
strong baby, I need you to be brave.
“The STOP sign was important at the time because that was how they identify the ‘no circ’ babies. And I was so proud of it. I took it home and put it in the baby book.”
It was a blurry ride to the hospital, a blood pressure check, and then I was pushing him out. His heart rate was falling quickly. My doula locking eyes with mine, saying with intent in every word, “Steph, you need to push your baby out now.”
And I fought for him in those scary seconds and I didn’t breathe until I heard him cry, his tiny bluish body up on the table and apart from my own. They cut his cord abruptly to suction the meconium, and I waited impatiently to wrap him in my arms and soak up his newness. I birthed my placenta as the nurses cleaned my son.
It was the next moment that defined the rest of my life with him as my child and will forever be etched into my memory. As I held my arms out to receive my beautiful son, I heard the midwife say “you are intact so there’s nothing for me to do.” I cried tears of joy, of relief. Of pride and solidarity. Not for myself and the easier recovery I would have, but that in this experience of fighting my husband to keep our perfect son whole as God intended, I gained a much unexpected (but much needed) deeper understanding of what this word “intact” really meant for our son. And I knew what it meant to appreciate every part of our bodies.
And just then, as the nurse placed him on my chest and we got acquainted, skin to skin, we were the same. We are both intact.
Three months later, we are all better for it.
The instant I held him and thought about how hard I fought for his safety, protection, wholeness and security, I knew it was all worth it. Every tear that fell, every prayer I sobbed out, every screaming argument on his behalf – I would do it all again to save him. Maybe this seems dramatic to some, and that’s probably accurate. It was dramatic.
To imagine ending a marriage because of this impasse, to imagine marring my newborn child because our pastors perpetuate an old commandment that was never intended for our sons, to imagine forcing my son to undergo a surgery but not forcing the same on my daughter just because of their respective genders… it was all dramatic. But maybe it was necessary for me to come to this newfound respect for my children’s bodies.
Three months later, we are all better for it.
My son (and his penis) is perfect and free of scars or infections. My husband has come a long way; he loves our son and is slowly starting to bond more with him now that he is smiling and responding to our voices. I think a part of him will always resent me for not submitting to him, but that is okay with me. I will show him in other ways that I am willing to submit to him – just not when it comes to our baby’s body. When I realized that his position on this issue was more about winning the battle against my will than it was about protecting our son, I knew I had to defend our little guy in every way I could.
Praise be to our God, we are intact.
Our marriage is still strong and maybe stronger than ever. He commends me for being a hard-working mama of two babies under two and I commend him for working through this whole thing with me and ultimately making our children’s safety a higher priority than our differing opinions about the necessity of circumcision.
Praise be to our God, we are intact.
***
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'How could he not see the anguish he was causing?' Stephanie's story: keeping him intact.Click To Tweet
- We Are Intact. - July 16, 2016
Heather says
God bless your sweet little family!
I think it’s hard for our husbands, who have themselves been circumcised. But it is hard for us mothers, too, as God instills a real mother-bear level of protection in our hearts. I have long recognized circumcision as an attack on mother-baby bonding AND the marriage…and I know you-know-who is behind this modern circumcision too.
Your husband will continue to grow and see it for what it really is, I’m sure. In the meantime, it’s clear the Lord had your back on this issue, and is patient with us.
My husband was very resistant at first, but changed his mind after reading a few articles. (He changed his mind even before I was decided! This was when I was 7 months pregnant with my first son, third child.) Now he is fully against modern circumcision. But it takes time to get there.
Well done, mama!
Tina-Marie Ogg says
Wow this story made me angry. Its great that she realized he was more concerned w/ controlling her than his sons well being. I don’t understand why she would stay with him though.
Maureen says
Because she is a woman of strong commitment and convictions. Marriage is one of them.
Steph says
I hardly think a disagreement that was settled in the end is a reason to divorce the father of my children and love of my life. Thanks for reading my story. I pray you can see his intentions and reserve judgment on my family. This story was told to bring light to the very real dilemma that many Christian families face in making this decision– to do away with tradition and go against the grain, or face convictions about what the Bible does or doesn’t say. My husband is a good man who works hard and loves us fiercely. His love for our son was what propelled him to want to do this– he believes that circumcision is a symbol of dedication to Christ. I happen to disagree. We still love each other immensely and with the help of God, can get through any challenges like this one.
Joseph says
We at Little Images understand that everyone has differing theology, and sometimes it’s hard to really examine beliefs that one has held their whole life. Stephanie’s husband is an awesome husband and father. We are immensely thankful for the fact that he DID question his beliefs and IS on a journey of seeking understanding int his regard. He has done what many well-meaning husbands and fathers here in the US have not had the courage to do, and we applaud him for that.
Marcie says
I don’t understand why her husband seems to have only read the Old Testament and not the New? And as a Christain man why is he so adamant about following one of the outdated Old Testament traditions, even though it would damage his son, when he likely doesn’t follow the others (like animal sacrifice, not eating certain foods, not mixing fabrics…). Jesus came and sacrificed himself and we no longer follow those old traditions because of his sacrifice.bseems to me that this man is a hypocrit and pucks and chooses what he wants to follow in the bible and is so fixated on this one outdated “sacrifice” that he hasn’t even paid attention to what the bible says about circumcision after Christ came. The New Testament clearly says that circumcision means nothing anymore and that only your faith and love for Christ means anything.
Galatians 5: 1-6 For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery. 2 Look: I, Paul, say to you that if you accept circumcision, Christ will be of no advantage to you. 3 I testify again to every man who accepts circumcision that he is obligated to keep the whole law. 4 You are severed from Christ, you who would be justified by the law; you have fallen away from grace. 5 For through the Spirit, by faith, we ourselves eagerly wait for the hope of righteousness. 6 For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision nor uncircumcision counts for anything, but only faith working through love.
Sarah says
I agree. I had a fellow Christian mom and friend argue with me that God commands circumcision and thats why she cut her son…meanwhile a few chapters from the verse she used in defense of cutting in the OT it forbids tattoos and she has a sleeve. It was so hard to not snarkily point that out to her.
Marcie Redgwell says
I don’t understand why this Christian man seems to have not read the New Testament and its passages about circumcision.
This story clearly states that the husbands main reason for wanting to circumcise was because he is Christian and he felt it was commanded to him by God. But that is the Old Testament and he likely doesn’t follow the other commandments from the Old Testament like animal sacrifice.
If he is Christian he should know that those sacrifices became useless when Jesus came and gave the ultimate sacrifice of his life on the cross. Circumcision is useless and pointless because what is required of him as a Christian is to have faith and love in Jesus.
How could he so adamantly claim to be Christian but have never seen the many parts of the New Testament that talk against circumcision? (Personally I don’t think religion should ever be used as a reason for cutting a baby or a child, but it is especially annoying that he is using Christianity as a reason when the New Testament is clear on the pointlessness of it).
“Galatians 5: 1-6 For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery. 2 Look: I, Paul, say to you that if you accept circumcision, Christ will be of no advantage to you. 3 I testify again to every man who accepts circumcision that he is obligated to keep the whole law. 4 You are severed from Christ, you who would be justified by the law; you have fallen away from grace. 5 For through the Spirit, by faith, we ourselves eagerly wait for the hope of righteousness. 6 For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision nor uncircumcision counts for anything, but only faith working through love.”
Barbara Walker Martin Seagle says
It was just the thing to do back in the day. I’m so glad People are finally saying no.
Justine Lines says
American men have been hurt. Trauma changes the brain – it seeks to justify the trauma done by perpetuating it. Instead of condemning this man, let’s celebrate the strength and clarity of the Mama, and send love to this family that has walked through fire to change the generational narrative. We love your family, Mom and Dad, and understand your struggle. We thank you for opening up about this story, and for staying together to parent your beautiful children. God IS Good.
Julie Christina Parker Popple says
Most christians don’t read the bible. I know, I live in rural NC where no one questions and those who question are sinners. It’s not rocket science to let a baby NOT be sliced up… its common compassion.
Bethany Hudon says
Now a days most doctors refuse to do it unless you push for it.
Rachelle says
That might be true where you are but our local doctors still ask if all parents want it on multiple occasions. That’s pushy to me. This is the case in a lot of other places too. It was a huge topic on my pregnancy forum. 🙁
Sarah Elizabeth Shannon says
Christian or not, if your born with it, obviously it’s supposed to be there…..duh
Steph says
I have to respectfully challenge that way of thinking… here’s why: My husband was extremely passionate about his religious convictions for circumcising yet I fought and kept my boy intact. Both of my children were born with lip ties and anterior tongue ties that needed to be cut. If my husband had been told “if you’re born with it, it’s supposed to be there” was a justification for keeping him intact, then he would have fought for the birth defects to remain intact as well (which if you are familiar with ties, makes the breastfeeding relationship almost impossible). kind of like “well, you said no one was allowed to touch our son with a knife, yet having his mouth cut is okay. so it’s hypocritical.”
Some things are not supposed to be there and foreskin is not a defect, two very different things, I know, but on paper, to a pro-circ, it seems like a double standard. it’s very important for us to spread the education behind WHY we believe this to be true, especially from a medical standpoint because those myths have been busted. You may never change someone’s moral and religious convictions, but you CAN present irrefutable scientific evidence as to why this is an antiquated practice and totally unnecessary and quite dangerous.
Jessica Siegert says
❤️