The Enemy doesn't want your marriage to prosper.
John 10:10 says he comes to steal, kill, and destroy.
Chances are you're reading this because he's found a new target: you and your wife.
My wife and I have our share of disagreements, just like any other married couple, but we work through them as partners.
After all, as Christian husbands, we are called in Ephesians 5:25 to love our wives like Christ loves the church. And, for the most part, we all do love our wives.
But there's one topic that seems to drive a wedge between husband and wife that rocks at least one of you to the core.
That wedge? Circumcision.
You might have never discussed it before the 20-week ultrasound when the technician proudly proclaimed to you, "it's gonna be a boy!" Now, she's against it, but you want it done. And as the head of the household, you tell yourself that she's going to just have to get over it. Your son is getting circumcised. End of discussion.
It might be because you're circumcised, and you want your son to be like you.
Or maybe you heard horror stories about what it was like for someone you might know who got picked on in the locker room, or had some health problem.
Maybe it's because it's in the Bible, and you're trying to run a household representative of God's Word.
Maybe you're not sure why. You just want it done.
But your wife doesn't agree with you.
What now?
Chances are she's tried to tell you her point of view.
She probably gave you some articles to read.
She probably wants you to watch Elephant in the Hospital.
Even more disturbing, she might be asking you to watch a video of an actual circumcision.
None of these things are gonna sway you. Your mind is set.
Except it shouldn't be set, because that's not biblical.
Here's the thing. She might fight you until the last second. You might win. Your son might be circumcised. You might not think twice of it. But it will haunt her forever. Think about it. She has a mother's instinct about her child. She has the God-given calling to protect her children at all costs. And she's made up her mind that circumcising her son is not something she morally or ethically agrees with. As the nurturer, she feels that this is wrong. God has convicted her heart on this issue, and she desperately wants you to see things the way she sees them.
And she's being forced to go against every instinct in her heart telling her to protect her baby.
Contrast that with what we're told in 1 Peter 3:7: "Husbands, in the same way, treat your wives with consideration as a delicate vessel, and with honor as fellow heirs of the gracious gift of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered." (BSB)
Ellicott's Commentary on Ephesians 5:25 says it this way:
"Only so far as the husband shows the like love in perfect sympathy, in chivalrous forbearance, in abhorrence of tyranny, in willingness to self-sacrifice, has he any right to claim lordship."
When given the option between letting her win this one vs. hurting her by making her go through with it, there's only one loving option.
Think about it: she'll be reminded of what she allowed to happen against her conscience every time she changes his diaper. Every day, multiple times a day, she is immediately confronted with it. I would never wish this on my wife.
She might never tell you how she feels either, especially if you make it seem like it's futile to try.
Don't believe me?
Here's a story that a mom recently told me under the agreement I would keep her anonymous:
"I feel like I failed my son when he could not speak for himself. With this I have a lot of guilt related to my first son's circumcision.
The conversation of circumcision started before I was even pregnant. I knew a little on the importance of staying intact and knew I wanted to leave my sons intact but didn't educate myself quite enough.
My husband always stayed on the stance that it's tradition and he wanted our son to look the same as him. He's generally very supportive and we work well in parenting generally but this is where we hit a head. During my pregnancy, especially towards the end, we got into some heated arguments where we ended up not speaking for the rest of the day. We spoke to family and friends, and they also pressured me to agree to a circumcision. Many of their arguments were regarding tradition and how this decision should be left up to the father since he's the one with a penis.
I felt defeated because I knew no one that would support and back up my decision to leave my son intact. Then came the time to get him circumcised. I went into the office feeling sick, my husband by my side. They took him back and about 10-15 minutes brought him back. He was in so much distress. I couldn't calm him and I sat in tears that I just tortured my son.
Then came the aftercare.
I have never seen a penis so red and swollen. Every diaper change was excruciating for my son and me. Everyone told me to just give it a few days and it will drastically improve.
Two days passed, then three, then five, then onto a week. He was still so swollen and in so much pain.
It has caused long standing traumatic feelings for me. I hated myself... I still hate myself for that.
I was so angry at my husband. I emotionally detached from him for a while. He knew I blamed him for what I felt was cruel treatment.
I think ultimately we got over the fresh cut of the damage done to the relationship. But with that being said, it seems as if the wound is gradually being reopened as we are getting closer to having to make a decision again.
I knew eventually we would decide to have another kid and although I really wanted a boy I would wish for a girl so that I wouldn't have to figure out how to prevent another circumcision while everyone around me criticized my desires. But here I am about 20 weeks pregnant with another boy. I've brought up circumcision with my husband and he just withdraws and doesn't want to address it. Maybe it's because he knows I'm better prepared this time and more willing to fight. Maybe it's because he figures if he waits this will just blow over and I'll agree. I'm not sure. But I'm sure a battle is brewing especially now that we have one son that is cut."
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Here are just a few statements from other moms who have spoken up:
"I agreed to it because of course my husband knew best since he had that equipment. Then I read more about it. My relationship with my husband was impacted in subsequent pregnancies. At first he was very insistent that if we had more boys they be circumcised. As depressed as I became after our 3 miscarriages, I actually prayed before our gender reveals with our 2 daughters that if I were pregnant with boys God would take them home before birth rather than let me harm them that way. When my husband learned that, he was willing to take a second look."
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"My husband is my best friend and love of my life but I can't seem to fully forgive him yet either. And I absolutely hate that. This is so unlike me to hold onto anything. Ignorance is bliss because I was once one of the happiest moms you may have met."
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"Do I regret it? Yes. Do I wish I had stood up to my husband and handled it differently? Yes. Would I have done things differently if I had a more smooth delivery? Most definitely."
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Contrast these stories to these professions of relief and joy:
"When it came down to the final weeks of pregnancy, things were still high tension surrounding this subject. Hubby and I were still on extreme opposite sides of this argument. It came down to this: it wasn’t a medically necessary procedure and therefore the baby would stay intact. I cannot tell you the healing that has come to me through breaking the cycle of pain by leaving our second intact. There are no words."
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"I agree that this scenario happens too often. I can think of 3 good friends who submitted with a lot of mental/emotional anguish, very reluctantly consenting to have their infants circumcised. I'm so thankful that my husband took the time to listen to my reservations about circumcision and ultimately agreed to leave our son whole."
The Moral of the Story: This is not a fight worth winning.
You might win the argument, but you'll lose part of her in the long run.
Let her have this one. I guarantee you won't regret it.
- FGM in Kurdistan: Different culture, same reasons as MGM - July 8, 2019
- FGM and MGM: Are they similar? - December 27, 2018
- Why are men born with a foreskin? - December 9, 2018
April Watts says
I would leave a man before I would allow him to circumcise my son.
Cat Saunders says
You’ve got your priorities straight, April. Thank you!
Fawn Sears says
Well just my thought to me there is nothing wrong with circumcision my son was circumcised and he is healthy and happy as can be nothing ever went wrong he is now 15 but it’s your choice if you want that or not I’m not judging anyone.
Hugh7 says
At fifteen, we may assume he hasn’t used it much yet. Much of the damage of male genital cutting (which is not the “circumcision” of the bible) doesn’t manifest itself until he is. Since there’s no urgency, there’s no reason it shouldn’t be HIS choice as an adult. He’ll almost always choose to keep everything, so your choice to leave him alone is almost always the right choice.
Judi says
Fawn, If being circed is so bad then why do most men want their sons to be??? Most men do not regret it. My husband is and we both are glad he is.
Joe says
Judi,
There are many men in the United States that want their sons circumcised because they are, but these men generally are not arguing for it from an informed position. Psychologically speaking, by doing it to their sons, it legitimizes what was done to them and carries on the ‘tradition’, but it’s not a logical choice that’s made. As they say, hurt people hurt people. It’s just carrying on the cycle. Men who research, realize what was done to them and what they’re missing, and understand the rights of the child to bodily integrity in the face of cultural or religious tradition break this cycle and do not do it to their sons. The more you know, the less of a good idea it seems.
Joe says
Also, check out this article I wrote about guys who are ‘happy’ about being circumcised.
https://www.littleimages.org/blog/quality/
April Watts says
You can say that as the person who didn’t have a cosmetic surgery on your genitals that you didn’t and couldn’t consent to. Every single purported medical benefit has been debunked by the rest of the industrialized world health organizations and as for religious reasons, as a devout Christian Fawn you would have tag your bible and seen the many passages in the new testament that condemn circumcision. Jesus was the final sacrifice and it says in Galatians that if you circumcise or be circumcised Christ will be of no benefit to you.
April Watts says
Fawn Sears says
According to genesis God told abraham to circumcise himself, his household and his slaves as an everlasting covenant in their flesh. Those who were not circumcised were to be cut off from their people read genesis 17 in the king James version bible
Susie says
Fortunately, the Old Testament circumcision was completely different and a small snip compared to the mutilation and uncovering of the glans that is performed in the modern era. I’m a nurse and have studied up… Sounds like you need to study up and see the difference. The glans shouldn’t be exposed except during sexual intercourse. I encourage you to explore the blogs on this website and study the Bible further since you have not realized yet that Jesus is the sacrifice now!!
Sarah Rouse Cooney says
How can quoting a part of the Bible that talks about circumcising slaves help you at all?! And how does telling us you are a Missionary’s wife help either? Do you expect automatic respect for what you are saying because of that assertion? The insanity and lack of humanity on this subject boggles my mind. I was raised Christian but have lost respect for organized religion and particularly the US Catholic Church that allows this barbaric practice to go on its hospitals. Section 2297 of the Catechism is quite clear that non-therapeutic amputation is against the moral law. The Church cannot even apply its own rules. My husband was circumcised in a Catholic Hospital. He is not thankful. He is outraged. He wrote to his Bishop who got in such a muddle he had to go and ask a “respected theologian” about section 2297. Guess what the theologian said? Yes, you’re right circumcision is a violation of section 2297 unless we change the meaning of “therapeutic” to include prevention rather than cure. He told the Bishop he had a moral obligation to look into it further. So far as I’ve heard, Rome hasn’t changed the meaning of “therapeutic” to include prevention. Perhaps someone pointed out that if you try tampering with the language to allow American Catholic hospitals to carry on their abuse, you would also be able to justify preventative amputation of children’s breast buds to avoid breast cancer in later life…
Frank McGinness says
Interesting read from Glick’s “Marked in Your Flesh”: “that the Lord’s covenant and his two definitive promises (prodigious reproduction success and a lavish land grant (all of Canaanite land) appears first in Genesis 15, an earlier J text but with one crucial difference, there is no mention of circumcision.” “To seal this covenant the only requirement is that Abram offer several sacrificial animals- a heifer, goat, ram, dove, and one other bird. Here we find no mention of circumcision, no change of name, no mention of Isaac or Ishmael.” “Like a number of their neighbors, the ancient Israelites had practiced circumcision, but not as a mandatory rite and probable seldom on infants; nor did they associate it with the idea of covenant.”
It was the Judean Priests who wrote Genesis 17 (P text) 13 centuries after Abraham’s putative lifetime that called for male circumcision of infants. A initiation rite not so much for the infant but of the father who must circumcise his son himself for he is cognizant of the event whereas the infant is not. These type of circ.s were the cutting off the acroposthion (the part that hangs past the glans). No damage of tearing the foreskin from the glans (thus results scarring from the cut up to the tip of the glans) and no amputating the part covering the glans. The radical circ., also medically known as penile reduction, as we do happens centuries later. The Torah says not to mark the body, the original Covenant jives with the earliest Judea.
Angela says
To sum up Frank’s remarks:
Genesis had multiple authors. Genesis 17 was inserted about 1300 years after the time of Abraham, by priests for their own political agenda. “Marked in Your Flesh,” by Leonard Glick, MD, PhD.
Glick, who is Jewish, is both a medical doctor and an anthropologist, and he opposes genital mutilation of children.
April Watts says
Yes and if you’re a jew that’s still what’s done but being a Christian I’m surprised you’re not familiar with the new testament and its passages regarding circumcision that Jesus was the last flesh sacrifice for the redemption of your soul and your covenant with God
Fawn Sears says
I’m very familiar with the whole bible I’m a missionaries wife I will let you believe what you want and I will believe what I want I wasn’t bashing anyone if you don’t want to circumcise your son then that’s your right as a parent and if you do then so be it.
Frank McGinness says
Intact genitals are a human right. I also believe no one should have the right to forcibly cut healthy genitals, especially of children, to use their body as a billboard, to use his penis as a signpost of of religious , societal, or parental beliefs. This is not necessary to the health off the child. It is exploiting a child. The foreskin is the primary sensory organ and primary immune system, not to mention mechanical application for pleasure and health. This is nationally recognized by many and stated as well.
April Watts says
Yeah…no so be it can’t fly here because to amputate healthy functioning flesh from a person without their consent and the conditions of proxy consent haven’t been met it becomes a human rights violation and mutilation.
Christina Dinham says
Hannah Vander Wilt says
The Bible says “Love does not insist on it’s own way” (1 Corinthians 13), and describes a person full of the wisdom from above as “open to reason” (James 3:17).
If your wife truly believes something to be morally wrong (because it unnecessarily risks someone’s life and health, causes severe pain, and takes/destroys something good that God gave to them), isn’t it worth a few hours of your time to be “open to reason” and see if this is truly necessary for your son, rather than insisting on your own way and clinging to old myths you heard once about how God’s creation isn’t actually very good?
Christina Dinham says
Venetia Gunn-King says
http://britishorthodox.org/glastonburyreview/issue-122-circumcision-and-the-copts/
A history of Christianity and Circumcision…”the collective problems of castration, penile amputation and circumcision… grouped together because they were all considered to be undesirable mutilation of the body, God’s perfect creation. This thinking of the perfection of human body as the handmade of God had been the foundation of traditional Christian teaching on matters related to mutilation of the body – God’s creation should not be tampered with. The three practices were, therefore, all banned by earlier ecclesiastical law, putting those who performed any of them under sanctions.” These sanctions apply to *all* Christian traditions.
Sarah Elishia Robson says
Old testament, New testament, whichever. Bottom line is that you should probably question a belief system that suggests you should inflict unnecessary and excruciating pain on an innocent in a show of your own spiritual commitment.
Jillian says
This article so accurately captures the struggle between my husband and I. It tore at our marriage. My heart was in anguish for months. I’m not being dramatic. It effected every part of my life to be at odds with my husband. Nothing has been so hard in the six years we’ve been married. I’d love to say that all the maternal instinct, facts and research I provided swayed him, but despite his extensive reading and personal research he was still afraid of the possible cultural implications. Just afraid.
He never did come to want our son intact, however, he did decide that the damage to our marriage would be greater if he forced the decision by pulling rank. He knew that he had that authority and that I would submit to him out of duty but that it would cause deeper issues as I would struggle against resentment and would have a hard time wanting to get pregnant again for fear of making the decision again. I can not tell you how proud I am of my husband that he laid down his desires and fears for my heart and our marriage. I’m surprised that he chose that path but I am so very blessed by it. It has changed our marriage for the better instead.
My son is 6 months and we don’t talk about his penis, my husband hasn’t changed his opinion and the tension is just starting to recede. It’s sad that we still don’t agree and I pray that someday he’ll be happy with and embrace the choice to do nothing to our son.
I can’t express how relieved I was when he told me he wouldn’t push it. It truly shows that he is a strong leader of our house and I respect him all the more for it. Now that’s a real man.
Kittie Foster says
The good lord makes no mistakes. Foreskin is not a mistake or birth defect. It is supposed to be there. Everything is created perfectly in God’s image and so to alter the body of a newborn is actually rather insulting to the Lord, no? New testament refers to circumcision as a mutilation.
‘Listen! I, Paul, am telling you that if you let yourselves be circumcised, Christ will be of no benefit to you. Once again I testify to every man who lets himself be circumcised that he is obliged to obey the entire law. You who want to be justified by the law have cut yourselves off from Christ; you have fallen away from grace.’ (Gal. 5:1-4)
‘I am confident about you…But whoever it is that is confusing you will pay the penalty. But my friends, why am I still being persecuted if I am still preaching circumcision? In that case the offense of the cross has been removed. I wish those who unsettle you would castrate themselves!’ (Gal. 5:7-8, 10-12)
*’It is those who want to make a good showing in the flesh that try to compel you to be circumcised- only that they may not be persecuted for the cross of Christ. Even the circumcised do not themselves obey the law, but they want you to be circumcised so that they may boast about your flesh.’ (Gal. 6:12-13 NRSV)*
**’Beware of the dogs, beware of the evil workers, beware of those who mutilate the flesh! For it is we who are the circumcision, who worship in the Spirit of God…’ (Phil. 3:2)**
http://www.cirp.org/pages/cultural/glass1/
Chris Toth says
Dear Joe. Just one question. When parents in America can’t agree about circumcision, is it always fathers who want their sons circumcised and mothers who don’t want it done, or is it sometimes the other way around?